I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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