I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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