He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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