Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
