i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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