As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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