he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
