I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
