So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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