I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
