dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Randomize
