The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
