If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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