to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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