This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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