I can text with my tongue
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
