I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
