If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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