I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
