The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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