The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You've changed since you got that strap on
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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