STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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