If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
