And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
