I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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