Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
