Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
