before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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