I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
