If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
