I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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