Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize