Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm too high and old for this...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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