If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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