i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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