I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
