He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
