Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
