i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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