Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
