Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
