Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Randomize
