Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
