I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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