Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
