I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
