DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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