Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
