isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
