I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
