I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
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