I wish I could punch you in the face.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
