$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
