oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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