So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
