You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize