So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
