I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
