Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
